


Protect You

by z0mbieshake



Series: Reiner x Bertholdt [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Broken Promises, Canon Related, Childhood Friends, F/M, Lost Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Protectiveness, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-10
Updated: 2013-09-10
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:53:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/z0mbieshake/pseuds/z0mbieshake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reiner has been and always will be Bertholdt's hero. In his warm embrace, Reiner promised him that he'd protect him forever. One day, he would marry Reiner, he was sure of it. Only now, standing all alone, does Bertholdt realize how ridiculous this was. Story spanning from their childhood to their training days.</p><p>MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE MANGA</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protect You

"Get out of here you filthy brats!" The shopkeeper barked, throwing a chunk of wood at Berik and Reiner as they leapt the fence, dried meat and bread in hand.

As soon as they heard the footsteps of the enraged shopkeeper and his crew return home, the two boys immediately collapsed onto the dirt, hugging their spoils of victory to the chest, "Man, I hate that baldy. He almost chased us back to the hideout," Berik said, taking a small bite out of the bread they had stolen, "Hey, let's just eat everything now. I'm too tired to walk and it's going to rain soon. Everything's going to get wet!"

"No way, Bertl's waiting for us at the hideout. He's probably starving," Reiner exclaimed.

"That guy's already a tree. He can survive a day without food. We're still growing!" Berik retorted.

Reiner shook his head with conviction as he scooped up all the food in his arms and stood, "Nope!" He said, sticking his tongue out at Berik as he ran off. Berik followed close after, running on Reiner's energy. The hideout wasn't far but it was well concealed. It was almost a tree house, with a roof made of intertwined branches and walls made of stray clothing stitched together by Bertholdt. It was hidden under a shroud of bushes with a small ravine in the back which gave them access to fresh water, "Bertl! We're back!" Reiner called out, sweeping past the branches.

He found Bertholdt kneeling on the ground, stitching together a scarf and a shirt to be used as a blanket for colder weather. Despite the boy's impressive stature, tall enough to the point where he'd have to crouch in order to stop his head from scraping their tree branch ceiling, his meek and quiet nature always made him look small in his best friends' eyes.

"Welcome back," Bertholdt said, smiling as he put his stitching work aside. He eyed the dried meat hungrily. It had been three days since he had eaten. Two days ago, only Berik had managed to scramble away with barely half a loaf of bread. Bertholdt had agreed to not eat that day since he hadn't gone out with them to scrounge for food. Even though he knew it was the right thing to do, the gnawing pain of hunger and dizziness tried to convince him otherwise. As his fingers brushed the salted meat, Berik immediately pulled it away from him, "H-Hey!" Bertholdt squeaked out.

Berik swung the meat back and forth, watching Bertholdt's eyes follow it voraciously, "This one's mine. You can only have a little bit," He tore off the end, barely even a third of the meat, and held it in front of Bertholdt, "You don't help us out; you don't get to eat," Almost involuntarily, Bertholdt could already feel tears in his eyes from being denied another meal, "You're such a crybaby,"

"Hey! Stop that!" Reiner shouted, shoving Berik away from Bertholdt, "Bertl helps us out all the time,"

"He could be helping us get food, you know! He's a chicken."

"Don't call him names!"

Bertholdt really wanted to reach out and stop them. He wanted to be the fair and noble one, letting Berik have his rations since he rightfully acquired them. Reiner always scolded him for being weak-willed. It wasn't his fault that he feared confrontation so much. He could already paint out the scenario now, Berik would be happy, Reiner would be mad but thoughtful. He couldn't figure out the rest though as his hunger finally got the best of him and he collapsed onto the leaves in a heap.

"Bertholdt!"

_"Hey, Bertl, can you hear me?"_

_" I really don't think shoving that bread down his throat is going to work,"_

_"Shut up! He needs to eat!"_

A splash of water in his mouth, washing down the bread that had been sitting on his tongue, woke him slowly. Bertholdt swallowed hard, the bread, as stale and dry as it was, tasted amazing in his empty body. He looked around weakly, eyeing Berik to his left and Reiner to his right holding Bertholdt's head in his lap.

"Reiner?" He murmured.

Reiner reached for a piece of meat, "Quiet, you need to eat," He unceremoniously stuffed the piece of meat into his mouth, "No more of this hero stuff. You need to eat now!"

Bertholdt swallowed the meat hastily, relishing in the unusually pleasant salty flavour, "But you and Berik..."

"Hey, it's alright," Berik said, smiling shyly, "I was just really hungry. I didn't mean it," He broke off a bigger chunk of meat from his rations and handed it to Reiner who promptly took it and stuffed it into Bertholdt's mouth, "You do work hard. And thanks, you know, for the other day when you let me eat your share."

Bertholdt stared at Berik for a moment after he swallowed the meat. Tears were already building in his eyes. He literally burst into tears over nothing. Berik and Reiner were both taken aback. What did Berik say that even warranted such a reaction?

"Hey! What are you crying for?" Reiner said, sitting Bertholdt up before the taller boy clung to him in an awkward hug. Reiner wound his arms around him, patting his back as he shot embarrassed looks to Berik.

"You always will be a crybaby!" Berik exclaimed, laughing along innocently.

As soon as Bertholdt wiped up his tears, the three pooled their food together and properly began their meal. They had stolen two loaves of bread, two pieces of dried meat, and a block of cheese from the store keeper. Half a loaf was already gone along with half a piece of meat, fed to Bertholdt hastily. The split up the rest fairly under Bertholdt's insistence with himself receiving a smaller portion since he had already eaten his.

As usual, Berik and Reiner chatted away, talking about mundane things like that baldy storekeeper still desperately trying to conceal his moon-like head. Bertholdt stayed quiet, nodding along. The last time he had seen the storekeeper, he still had a rather lush head of hair. He wondered exactly how much time they had lived like this, barely surviving in the dirt.

"I swear I saw it!" Reiner exclaimed, chomping lazily on his bread ration, "That baldy was hiring a bunch of creepy guys. I think we're going to have to find a new place to eat."

"But everywhere else is so busy. We just have to get more sneaky," Berik replied, "What do you think?" He said, turning to Bertholdt.

"Um, I guess if there's nowhere else to go. We don't have a choice, do we?" Bertholdt said, finishing up his slice of cheese. He patted his stomach, frowning. He was still hungry. Almost immediately after his realization, Reiner shoved a piece of bread in front of him, "Reiner?"

"Here, it's for you," Reiner said, almost glowing as he smiled.

"But, but, this is your share!" Bertholdt replied. He was promptly silenced by Reiner once against shoving the bread into his mouth.

"Nope!" Reiner exclaimed, almost proud when he watched Bertholdt take a bite out of the bread he offered, "I get plenty of exercise and that helps me grow but since you're always staying here, you need food to help you grow," He gave him a big toothy smile, so proud of his clearly broken logic.

"I really don't think it works like that," Berik remarked. A tiny fist collided with his forehead, "Ow! That hurt, jerk!" He exclaimed, tackling down the fair-haired boy while Bertholdt watched on and laughed.

As night fell and their meals were finished, the three kept themselves occupied with their hobbies. Berik remained at the edge of their 'camp', sketching out their infiltration plans for tomorrow's raid in the dirt with a stick. Reiner stuck close to Bertholdt, attentively watching his friend stitch together a pair of socks with a scrap of cloth. He had a threaded needle in own hands, mimicking his friend's delicate movements.

"Ah, they're a bit too far apart," Bertholdt said, "Be careful though, you might poke- "

"Ow!" Reiner cried out, dropping the needle onto the floor, "This is so much harder than stealing food,"

Bertholdt couldn't help but laugh. Reiner always called himself a warrior and just like anyone would expect of a warrior, he had very little skill with delicate movements, "Let me see that," Bertholdt said, taking Reiner's hand and delicately pressing his lips against the wound.

"Bertl!?" Reiner exclaimed.

"It'll make it all better," Bertholdt replied with a small smile.

Reiner looked puzzled for a moment, "Really?"

"Yeah, Annie taught me that," Bertholdt replied. Annie was a young girl in the village, tiny with blonde hair and the coldest eyes he'd ever seen. Occasionally, she'd play with them before going home to her father, telling them stories about giants that love to eat humans to spook them at night. When Bertholdt had cut himself when chopping wood with her, she quickly told him that licking the cut would make it heal faster. Just like that, the wound sealed up almost instantly, "And it works,"

He almost missed the goofy smile on Reiner's face as the fair-haired boy leaned forward and kissed Bertholdt on the cheek. Almost immediately, his face flushed a shade of crimson, "Reiner!" He cried out, rolling over as he began to sweat hard.

"You said it'd make everything better," Reiner replied, "Now come over here!" With a mischievous grin, he nearly leapt at Bertholdt and began pressing kisses all over his face.

Bertholdt struggled playfully in his grasp, limbs flailing around trying to get free, "Stop that! Hey! Berik!" Despite his protest, Bertholdt was enjoying every moment of it.

"You two should just get married already," Berik remarked, turning from his miniature sand army to the two boys tangled together.

Reiner pouted at him, "Maybe we will!" He said, purely as a joke. Despite that, it didn't stop Bertholdt's face from lighting up bright red.

For Bertholdt, even if he had to live in the dirt for the rest of his life, starving for days, sleeping in scraps and leaves, as long as Reiner was by his side, everything would be okay. Make no mistake, Bertholdt loved both of them to death. Headstrong Berik, willing to throw himself into danger just for his friends, led them since they found each other in the dirt. But _Reiner_ , noble, playful with the aura of a shining hero, would always have a special place in his heart.

It was no coincidence that Bertholdt ended up nestled beside Reiner when they slept while Berik slept on his own, coolly leaning against a tree. He pressed himself closer to Reiner when the fair-haired boy rolled over, nearly smacking him in the face with his hand. At close inspection, before Bertholdt finally shut his eyes and fell asleep, he noticed the pinprick wound on Reiner's finger was completely gone.

_Wow, I guess it really does work._

 

The next day was another raid. There was no time to waste. They couldn't let the energy they built up from yesterday's meal go to waste. As soon as they awoke, all three were sitting around Berik's diagram of the nearby market.

"See, the market always gets supplied today. All new stuff always goes to the back storage here," Berik circled the box behind the 'market', "This is also where they dry the meat. Usually this place is locked but because they're being supplied, for a little while, it'll be unlocked," He proceeded to draw two stickmen inside the market, "Every time they're halfway done, they take a break with baldy. That's when we strike,"

Reiner nodded enthusiastically, "So you'll keep watch and I'll grab the food,"

"Nope," Berik replied, "He will," He looked the Bertholdt suddenly, startling the timid boy.

"Me? I can't do that!" Bertholdt replied, already building up a sweat.

"You're the only one who can," Berik said, circling the back corner of the market, "There's a window here. It's always been too tall for me and Reiner but it's perfect for you! You stay there, keep watch, while Reiner and I grab as much as we can. When you see them leaving, throw a rock in our direction and we'll get out of there!"

Despite the passive role, Bertholdt was still hesitant. What if he failed to signal them in time? Failure would be _his_ fault. Reiner clasped his shoulder firmly, shaking him from his thought, "You can do it Bertl!"

With some convincing, mainly just Reiner staring at Bertholdt with his determined, heroic gaze, Berthold folded fast, "Alright!"

"Yes! Welcome to the team Bertholdt," Berik said, grinning wildly, "Who knows, you might even like it,"

The plan was as simple in reality as it was on dirt. Bertholdt would stand watch at the window. Even if the shopkeeper eyed him, Bertholdt had never been seen with his two friends before. There would be no suspicion at least for his first raid. When the coast was clear, Reiner and Berik would grab as much food as they could and run back to the hideout. If they were lucky, they could do it again and again till the suppliers left.

Everyone was in position, Bertholdt at the window with Berik and Reiner hiding behind the storage shed. While Berik and Reiner thrived on the tension that came with a risky mission, Bertholdt was already starting to crumble. Berik always berated him for his lack of confidence.

"Hey,"

Despite how gentle and soft that voice was, Bertholdt nearly screamed in surprise. He swallowed it, nearly choking on his breath before turning around, "Annie?"

"What are you doing?"

Bertholdt kept his voice a whisper, "We're getting supplies,"

"Oh,"

"I'm keeping watching,"

"..."

"You probably don't want to be here right now,"

"You should be careful today," Annie said, cryptically, before walking away.

Bertholdt didn't understand what she meant. He didn't have time to either as he heard two heavy-booted men enter the supermarket. At first sight, he spotted the storekeeper who honoured his unofficial title 'Baldy' quite properly. The other two, however, were off to him. No doubt they were new but they didn't look like suppliers. They were lanky, with a dirty look on their face and grungy clothes.

It wasn't right. He couldn't risk it. Immediately he reached for a rock on the ground but before he could even swing his arm back, the sound of a boy crying out in pain stopped him, "Reiner," Bertholdt gasped, dropping the rock and bolting into the direction of the cry. He hid behind the shed, watching in horror as several thugs dressed similarly to the men in the market had Berik and Reiner beaten at their feet.

"So these are the little shit-heads that guy wanted us to catch,"

"Honestly, if this guy can't handle little kids, he's a complete bitch,"

"Whatever man, I just want to get paid!"

The three filthy men laughed, continuing to kick the two even when they had clearly submitted to them. Despite his defeat, Reiner glared at them, finding the strength to twist his head back and stare them in the eyes.

"Hey, hey, what's this little shit doing?" One thug said, grasping Reiner's hair and pulling him up, "I think he's picking a fight with me," Bertholdt watched on, getting angrier by the second. His skin was literally burning from rage. If he could see himself, he would've noticed the furious shade of crimson his skin had taken on.

"Screw you," Reiner choked out, spitting into the thug's eye.

Almost immediately, Reiner was on the ground, beaten brutally by all three thugs at once. Berik was left alone, all by Reiner's design. Now Berik could get away, possibly even with food. He could find Bertholdt and go home. Everything would be alright. _Everything would be alright_.

Perhaps this wasn't his brightest plan. Granted, Bertholdt had been infuriated to the point of turning into a living bonfire so he had an excuse for why he wasn't thinking clearly. He knew a straight on battle wouldn't do. He knew he lacked Reiner's bulk or Berik's intuition but he did have height. Using that to his advantage, he climbed onto the shed. It was a stupid plan that could fail in a million and one ways but he went with it. He threw himself off the shed, using the increase propulsion to tackle down all three thugs with his body.

"Get off him!" Bertholdt cried out, angry and wild as he let out a barrage of punches over the man he had landed on. He wasn't sure where he got this strength. He was such a scrawny boy despite his height. He felt hot, like he had a terrible fever yet it was soothing as if it were a part of him. He swore he could see his punches leaving burn marks.

His thoughts were cut short as one of the bigger thugs he had tackled down rose to his feet and grasped the back of his shirt, pulling him back, "Another one!" The bulky cow of a man cried out, almost laughing, "We're making that guy pay extra for this!"

"Don't touch him!" Reiner called out, getting to his feet and tackling the bulky man at full speed. The man fell to the ground, conscious but aching from the impact. Immediately, Reiner ran to Bertholdt's side, "Are you okay?"

"I should be asking you that!" Bertholdt exclaimed, mortified by the shower of injuries all over Reiner. The two immediately turned to Berik who had taken a heavy blow to the head leaving him more dazed than Reiner.

The two were cut off before they could approach their friend by the final thug, a tall, thin man who would have been substantially less threatening had he not been brandishing a knife, "You stupid little shits," He scoffed when he saw Reiner step forward, pushing Bertholdt safely behind him, "I'll cut you both up man, fuck both of you up!" He only took a single step forward before a tiny hand came around his wrist, "What?" Was all he got to say before his arm was brutally twisted followed with a swift kick to his lower leg, bringing him to the ground.

A final strike to the top of his head knocked him out, his body falling over to reveal the pint-sized assailant behind him, "Annie!" Both of them cried out at once.

The tiny girl picked up a piece of dried meat and threw it into Bertholdt's hands, "You should get going right now,"

"Right," Bertholdt stuttered out, watching as Reiner helped Berik up.

"Get the hell back here!" It was the shopkeeper, angry, with at least three more men in tow. Even with Annie, they couldn't take them all on. They fled into the fields, trying to keep them away from their hideout.

"Annie," Bertholdt gasped out as he ran, "Where are you going to go?" She said nothing, aloof as ever, as she split from them, disappearing into the trees, "Um, thanks!"

"They're catching up," Reiner remarked, twisting his head back and watching as the shopkeeper continued to pursue them, "I don't think that guy's going to give up this time!" He turned to Berik, his voice almost frantic, "What do we do?"

Berik didn't look back, instead, his eyes searched the land around him, "There!" He shouted as he pointed through the trees to what appeared to be a small cliff, "We'll jump down there. There's no way they'd try to follow us,"

"But it looks dangerous!" Bertholdt replied, almost in tears.

"Better than nothing," Berik replied, "Come on!" He nodded towards the trees briefly before picking up speed and diving between them.

Bertholdt was hesitant, regardless of the danger pursuing them. Reiner could sense and immediately took his hand into his, "I'm with you," Was all Reiner said, instantly filling Bertholdt with his confidence before turning into the trees and leaping off the small cliff.

The incline past the cliff was not gentle. The branches and coarse ground tore at them as they rolled through the dirt. Almost instinctively, Reiner pulled Bertholdt close and sheltered him with his body, taking the brunt of the impact. When they finally reached the bottom, Bertholdt was surprised that Reiner hadn't broken a single bone.

"We did it!" Reiner exclaimed triumphantly as he rose from the leaves, "See you later losers!" He cried towards the hill before bursting into laughter. Bertholdt didn't laugh. Berik didn't laugh, "Berik? Bertl?" Reiner turned, slowly, already filled with fear before his eyes even gazed upon the creature behind him.

_"Stop making up stories! You're scaring Bertl."_

_"I'm not scared!"_

_"Ha, so what are they called?"_

"Titan..." Reiner gasped, absolutely frozen in fear at the deformed giant slowly stalking towards him. It's thick, ghastly hair and beastly teeth was all Reiner could concentrate on. His terror washed out the rest.

He couldn't move, none of them could. Bertholdt watched on. Were they all going to die here? _Was Reiner going to die?_ That single thought forced him to move. Bertholdt dove forward, ready to pull Reiner to safety only for a second body to beat him to it.

"Berik!" Reiner cried out as the other boy tackled him towards Bertholdt. He reached out, trying to pull him along. All he could do was watch in horror as his dearest friend was devoured by the horrific beast, "BERIK!"

Reiner was crying, bawling as the beast chewed on his friend reminiscent of how they all had consumed their salted meat. He couldn't let Berik's sacrifice be in vain. He turned, hooked Bertholdt close and ran at top speed. They could see the shadows of titans all around them, closing in.

"Reiner!" Bertholdt cried out, already crying and trembling. The sight of a gleefully smiling titan chasing after them silenced Bertholdt as it burst through the trees and lunged at them. They were going to die, right there, had it not been for Reiner tacking Bertholdt down and, out of pure luck, into a tunnel-like ditch in the dirt.

They both fell in, rolling down the steep walls of dirt before landing in the soft leaves at the bottom as the titan desperately tried to reach them with its tiny hands. It was no good for the titan. They were too far in and the opening was too small. Reiner clutched Bertholdt against his chest as tight as he could. Even in the safety of the ditch, he couldn't bear to release him now.

"Berik...Berik is..." Reiner murmured. Bertholdt could feel his tears on his shoulder. Reiner never cried. Bertholdt didn't know what to do so he remained silent and clutched onto his beloved friend for dear life.

Bertholdt looked up towards the grasping titan, still smiling away and still grasping at them. As horrific his world had so suddenly become, with Reiner in his arms, Bertholdt could still feel some hope left, "Reiner," He whispered, burying his face into Reiner's shoulder, "Reiner... Reiner..."

 

" _Reiner_..."

"Looks like it's going to rain today,"

"Nah, look, his right arm is over his head. That means the weather will change halfway."

"You know the rules. Butt in the air means rain all day."  

Connie and Jean laughed to themselves, always amused by all the bizarre poses Bertholdt would get himself into as he slept.

"He's still sleeping?" Reiner remarked, coming back from the showers fully dressed in training gear with a towel draped over his shoulders.

"Yeah, I can't believe it," Connie said, "He never sleeps in this much."

Reiner chuckled as he climbed back up onto the upper bunk, "Let me handle this. You'll be late for roll call if you stick around here," He returned Connie and Jean's wave with a quick nod before kneeling beside Bertholdt. Bertholdt really did sleep in the strangest positions. This time was no different with his face pressed into his pillow, back arched at an unnatural angle with his butt hanging in the air. How he managed to keep himself up with a single arm as support with the other sitting atop his head was a mystery.

Examining this delicious pose, Reiner knew exactly how to wake up his friend. With his hand wide open, he slapped down on Bertholdt's rear with just enough force to jolt his body, "Wake up!"

"Ah!" Bertholdt cried out in surprise, eyes springing open as he involuntarily clutched his blanket to his chest and scuttled as far away as he could from Reiner, stopping when his back met the wall, "What was that for?" He cried out, sweating profusely as his skin once again flushed red.

Reiner bellowed with laughter, "Waking you up. Roll call's already starting and you're not even out of bed! And you call yourself one of the top students, what would your peers think about you?"

Bertholdt sighed heavily. After that horrific dream, he just didn't have the energy to wake up let alone practice his 3D gear manoeuvring. He crawled back over to his side sluggishly, dropping down in front of Reiner in a heap. Noticing his distressed expression, Reiner immediately dropped the smile and sobered up. He sat there patiently waiting for Bertholdt to open up.

"Reiner?" Bertholdt said after a long pause, looking up at him, "Do you remember what happened to Berik?"

"Of course I do," Reiner replied, reclining beside Bertholdt, "We spent a whole day in that ditch, watching those titans claw at us," He remained on his side, propping up his head with his arm so he could watched Bertholdt, "I'm glad you had that piece of meat on you. We would've starved down there,"

Wolfing down that dried meat, tearing it apart with their teeth like human flesh. Berik's flesh. Bertholdt remembered throwing up that day. It was the only moment in that ditch he tore away from Reiner's grasp, crawling into a corner and throwing up into the leaves. He remembered how hard his stomach ached and clenched after that, already empty way before this whole mess came to be.

"Bertl, you're crying," Reiner murmured, resting a hand on Bertholdt's shoulder to pull him onto his back so he could look at his face.

"Are we going to have to do that? Are we going to have to eat humans?" Bertholdt whispered despite the empty room. He had grown accustomed to speaking quietly whenever he had to talk about something questionable.

For so long, he tried to abdicate himself of guilt. This was a mission. There are always casualties in war. Annie knew that so she always kept herself far away from others. Bertholdt tried so hard to be like her, tried so hard to distance himself, but he just couldn't do it. He looked to Reiner, staring him straight in the eyes begging him to make everything better just like he always did whether it was with word or action. There was a reason why everyone loved Reiner. He was always calm, always thinking about others, always knew exactly what to do.

 _Make it all better_.

With that, Reiner pushed his lips against Bertholdt's. He wound his arms around him, holding his lanky frame in his firm grasp. He was patient, waiting for Bertholdt to reciprocate with gentle nips before pressing in more forcefully.

The kiss ended too quickly, even though Bertholdt was sure they had laid there for at least half a minute. Reiner lifted himself off Bertholdt's wiry body, smoothing out the cream coloured shirt Bertholdt has slept in. Bertholdt sat up slowly, wiping away the tears.

"Better?"

Bertholdt nodded back weakly.

Reiner stared at him for a bit, tilting his head as he pondered what to do, "Want to play hooky today?"

"Wha- " Bertholdt exclaimed, "We're already late. That'll just make it worse,"

"We'll just have Annie cover for us,"

"Annie really isn't the type to..."

"It'll be fun. Trust me," Reiner said, leaping off the top bunk, "Better than having to face Instructor Shadis. Looks like it might rain too which means he's going to be twice as mad," Bertholdt followed after him, heading towards the storage area to pick up his uniform. As he bent over to sort through the laundry, Reiner took this opportunity to tower over him. This was the only time he could ever tower over Bertholdt. There was no doubt exactly why his titan form was as it was, "Come on, Bertl. It'll help you get your mind off everything,"

With Reiner flashing him that big toothy smile, the same smile since he was a little kid only now with a more matured charm, how could Bertholdt say no, "Fine, fine," He replied, picking out his uniform and a towel before heading to the showers. On his way there, he peered out the window to see the sky perfectly clear of any clouds at all, "Why'd you say it was going to rain? It looks perfect outside,"

Reiner chuckled, scratching at the back of his head shyly, "Intuition,"

 

Bertholdt had to take a quick shower, drying his hair off lightning fast and getting dressed while hiding in the pantry with Reiner. No doubt some recruits would come in to check on them. They had to stay out of sight if they wanted their day off. As soon as they heard footsteps leaving the room, Reiner and Bertholdt snuck their way over to the back window.

"So, where are we going?" Bertholdt asked, following Reiner so closely that he could smell the soap from his body.

The last time they skipped training, Reiner had brought him into town for shopping. In the end, all they bought were gifts for their comrades: A sensible gift from Bertholdt and an comedic gift from Reiner. This ended up with the oddest combinations like a cookbook and a dieting guide for Sasha or a razor and hair gel for Connie. Needless to say, it was one of the loudest, most amusing nights they'd ever had.

"I was thinking we do a little nature hike. Just you and me and the great outdoors," Reiner replied.

Odd choice certainly but Bertholdt didn't mind as long as he was spending time with Reiner. Odder still was the direction they were heading. They'd have to head north if they wanted to see even the smallest patch of trees. Instead, they were heading deeper into the training grounds.

"Here we are!" Reiner declared, grabbing the main doors and swinging them open, "We're going down there in style,"

Bertholdt was speechless. This was... unthinkable! "Are you insane?" Bertholdt replied, "This isn't going to work. I'm nowhere near skilled enough for this," He had a million and one things to say about this horrible idea but was quickly silenced by Reiner pressing his lips hard against his again.

When Reiner pulled away, tired smile on his face, Bertholdt wasn't sure exactly what he was panicking about, "All better now?" Reiner said jokingly as Bertholdt nodded dumbly, "I've seen you in training. Trust yourself," With that, he shoved a 3DM gear package into his hands, "Now suit up,"

Bertholdt had to admit it. Despite how horrible an idea this was in his head and how he kept picturing all the ways this could go wrong, using his 3DM gear to zip through the air without an angry instructor barking at him from the ground felt quite relaxing. As soon as they had snuck out of town and reached the closest forest, the two broke out the gear and rode the wind. Flying through the trees, feeling the moist, freshly fallen leaves beneath their feet before they sprung back into the branches, the scent of untouched nature as they drifted through the air like hawks, was absolutely breathtaking.

For just a tiny moment, Bertholdt forgot all about his burden. Suddenly, he was just an ordinary boy without the world on his shoulders. Bertholdt looked behind him as he leapt from tree to tree, watching as Reiner slightly struggled to catch up with him. It was not often that Bertholdt was better at something than Reiner. He had to admit that weaving through the trees skillfully with his 3DM gear while Reiner could only sloppily follow gave him just the slightest inflation to his pride.

"Slow down Bertl!" Reiner called out, laughing as Bertholdt smiled back and sped up instead.

Reiner watched as Bertholdt fired both grappling hooks at the same time, latching onto the highest points of two trees that stood parallel to each other with only the tiniest of spaces between them, "What are you planning?" He shouted as he latched himself onto a hefty tree and watched.

At full force, Bertholdt launched himself right between the two trees, propelling himself forward with so much speed that the world around him became a blur. Like a slingshot, right at the apex of his launch, he released the hooks and soared through the air right over the tops of the trees.

His jacket caught against the wind, flapping around him like a pair of wings. While he still maintained forward momentum, Bertholdt turned himself over in the air, looking back at Reiner staring up at him in wonder. Bertholdt couldn't remember the last time he felt this happy. Floating in the air without a single care in the world with his most beloved friend watching him like he was an angel, looking down at the world as if he were...

"The colossal titan,"  

And then he fell.

Reiner panicked, rushing forward when he noticed Bertholdt did nothing to slow his fall, "Bertholdt!" He cried out in fear, dashing across the trees.

"BERTHOLDT!"

"Ah..." Reiner's voice woke Bertholdt from his abrupt episode. Suddenly noticing how fast he was plummeting, Bertholdt let out a strangled cry before scrambling to aim his gear. He fired two shots, hoping to use the tension of two cables as a makeshift bungee cord to catch his weight. One hook latched on perfectly, holding firm against the wood. The other fired into the leaves and failed to strike any wood, "You got to be kidding," Bertholdt murmured under his breath before reformulating his plan.

With just the single hook, Bertholdt reeled himself in at full speed. Right at the halfway point, seconds before he'd collide with the tree, he cut off the gas, using his momentum to swing around the tree, looping around it almost twice, just enough to decrease his momentum, before releasing himself. The moment he let go, he looked to the trees and saw Reiner bursting through with a horrified expression that dissolved into relief as soon as he saw his friend safely hit the ground.

Although he had managed to decelerate to a survivable speed, Bertholdt still couldn't catch himself on the ground. He slipped on his first step, turning himself onto his back and curling into a ball as he rolled to minimize damage. He thought it was finally over when he began to slow down. He should have suspected something when the leaves he rolled over were completely soaked through. Just mere moments before he would have stopped, the ground beneath him disappeared, "Eh?" Bertholdt managed to gasp out before he fell face first into a large pond.

It could have been worse. Bertholdt told himself. Worse than where he was now, sitting on the forest floor in nothing but his partially wet woolen underwear and Reiner's jacket with his own clothes drying on the rocks. He hugged his knees, staring off at the natural spring he had fallen into.

"You almost nailed the landing," Reiner said with a chuckle as he spread out Bertholdt's 3DM gear, "Left thigh strap is a bit worn but still functional. Shoulder strap and both calf straps are wrecked though," He lifted the cable propeller unit, "Propeller looks busted though. Water damage. You're out of gas too,"

"That's too bad. I'll have to walk back then," Bertholdt said with a small smile.

"You don't regret it at all, do you?" Reiner remarked, setting the gear aside as he sat beside Bertholdt, "Admit it, this was a great idea,"

"I guess," Bertholdt replied, still smiling, "Thank you for helping me clear my thoughts,"

"Yet, you're still thinking about it," Reiner replied, staring through Bertholdt with solemn eyes. He couldn't match Reiner's intense glare. Bertholdt looked away, back into the rippling water, "That's why you fell, wasn't it?"

"O-Of course not!" Bertholdt replied, almost frantically, "I was just... too excited."

"It reminded you of the colossal titan when you were in the air looking down on everything," Reiner said, "Didn't it?"

Bertholdt was silent. What could he say? It hurt letting Reiner know that all his efforts were in vain yet he could never forget his sins, "I appreciate everything you've done. Really. And don't take this the wrong way, I really enjoyed this and that's what matters..."

"Bertl, tell me." Reiner interrupted his rambling. They both knew he was merely using it to delay the subject.

Bertholdt took a deep breath, "I don't want to be a titan. I don't want to kill everyone," He wasn't a crybaby anymore but this was too much for him. He was already crying before he could even continue, "But I have to, don't I?"

"Of course not,"

Reiner pulled Bertholdt off the floor and into his arms, smothering him in his embrace with one hand settled on his waist and the other weaving through his hair, "Leave it to me. I'll protect you," He clutched him closer, almost crushing Bertholdt as the taller man returned the hug, "It's my duty as a warrior to throw away my humanity so the people I love can keep theirs,"

His kindness, his conviction, with the aura of a shining hero, made Bertholdt melt in his presence, "Reiner," His name came out almost as a plea. Reiner responded thusly, pulling Bertholdt's head down and pressing a kiss to his lips. Bertholdt's arms wound around him, holding him once again in a desperate embrace.

Reiner's hands, warm and strong, found themselves on Bertholdt's hips sliding up his bare body till they rested beneath the jacket. The sensation of his skin against his skin made Bertholdt shiver in pleasure. It made him press deeper into Reiner's chest, push his lips just a bit harder against Reiner's. He was pleasantly surprised when he felt Reiner's tongue peek out and seek the inside of his mouth. Bertholdt let out something halfway between a moan and whimper as he spread his lips and felt his tongue search his mouth with the utmost care.

"I love you," Reiner whispered, almost too quietly. Had Bertholdt not been concentrating so hard on Reiner, he wouldn't have heard him at all.

 _I love you too_. Bertholdt said in every way except words as he gripped onto the back of Reiner's shirt.

The two were startled into stopping by a rustling in the leaves behind them. Bertholdt tore away first, immediately covering up his body at the mysterious sound. Reiner kept his arms around Bertholdt, almost glaring at the bushes, "Who's there?" If someone followed them, they're entire mission would've been jeopardized.

They almost felt stupid when a squirrel leapt out from the bushes and proceeded to hop up the tree next to it. The two boys kept their eyes on the bush, staring at it blankly before looking to each other and bursting into laughter. Reiner collapsed into the leaves, laughing so hard that tears were appearing in his eyes. Bertholdt followed after, laying his head on his heaving chest as he too laughed. Despite all the fun he had with the rest of the recruits, this was the first time either of them had laughed this hard.

Even after Bertholdt's clothes had completely dried and the sun was beginning to set, the two remained by the spring, looking over it as they talked about everything they could possibly think of.

"I wonder where she learned that arm lock or that shoulder flipping trick. Annie's really cool, isn't she?" Bertholdt remarked as he played with the hem of his shirt. It was still a little wet, he noted, "I wish she'd talk with us a bit more. I kind of miss the days when we were kids and we'd all play together when she dropped by," Bertholdt turned to Reiner, noticing a sly look on his face, "What?"

"Do you like Annie?" Reiner said, leaning forward with a big smile.

How could he even say that! Especially after what they had done!

"Reiner!"

"Because if you're trying to make me jealous, its completely working,"

"Jealous...?" Bertholdt stuttered out, face already blushing and sweaty.

"That settles it. I'm going to marry you so Annie can't take you from me," Reiner loved it when he could make Bertholdt blush to his ears with just his words. When Bertholdt was far too flustered to reply, Reiner pulled him over and draped an arm around his shoulders, tucking his head beneath Bertholdt's chin, "How are you so tall?" Reiner grumbled under his breath. Personally, he wanted it to be the other way around.

"Maybe people who grow up by exercising are shorter than people who grow up by eating food?"

Bertholdt was being coy. _Cute_. Reiner thought with a small smile. He looked up at the sky, noticing that the sun had nearly completely set, "We should get back."

"We'll come back here though, right?" Bertholdt replied, nuzzling his cheek against the top of Reiner's head, "This is our secret place," For as long as it remained, this would be their secret haven, "If you think about it," Bertholdt started, lowering his voice to a whisper, "Even if the titans broke in, this place will still remain."

"Promise me, after our mission, we'll come back here. Alright?"

Reiner merely smiled back absently before standing up and pulling Bertholdt to his feet. The two strapped on their gear quietly listening to the crickets as the sky became darker, "I don't think I'll be able to use this gear. It'll be a really long walk ba-AH!" Bertholdt cried aloud as Reiner, fully equipped in his gear, scooped Bertholdt up into his arms and fired his hooks into the tree, shooting both of them through the air. Bertholdt quickly dropped his gear when he realized that holding onto them would impair Reiner's movement.

"Damn right we're coming back!" Reiner shouted at the top of his lungs as he flew through the air with Bertholdt clinging onto him for his life.

 _What about my gear?_ Bertholdt never got those words out. He was too lost in being _alive and happy._

 

It had been nearly five years since they had destroyed Wall Maria. Bertholdt hung on, he always did. Despite the overwhelming guilt and shame had felt when befriending those he had harmed the most, Bertholdt kept it all inside. It was his duty after all and he couldn't let a little sentiment endanger everything. He had to be Reiner, strong, iron-willed, with absolute conviction.

...Yet, something was off. If someone asked Bertholdt to describe Reiner as a child, those would be his words without hesitation. Yet now, if Bertholdt had to describe him, those would be his words, and not. Reiner would always be strong, taken on Armin's load when it was too much for him to bear. He would always have an iron will, rushing head first into danger for the sake of others. He would always have absolute conviction, standing up for his team when the haughty Military Police Brigade came down to amuse themselves with the "new meat".

It was something else. The way he looked at Bertholdt now was so unlike the way he used to, like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. Reiner was always the social one. He was the one who made friends with Berik and Annie while Bertholdt tagged along. He was the man who's name everyone knew. Despite his wide social circle, he always kept them at a discreet distance and opened himself only to Bertholdt. But now, Bertholdt could feel a growing distance between himself and Reiner. It wasn't a physical distance; they still remained almost attached to the hip as always. Bertholdt felt it: Reiner opened more and more to Eren, Jean, Connie, Sasha. More and more, Bertholdt was no longer his single star in the sky. No, he was becoming a burden, an anchor to a past that Reiner accidentally slipped away from.

His suspicions arose during a day off, when all the boys had gathered around with a few bottles of stolen liquor. Bertholdt didn't drink, fearing that something might slip out while he was drunk. Everyone else except for a select few were almost completely smashed.

"Mikasa is a beauty! Don't ever call her a monster!" Jean declared with a huge smile in a completely drunken manner.

Eren scoffed, taking another sip, "No one was calling her a monster, idiot."

"Hey man, she's totally mine!" Jean replied, clearly not listening to Eren in the slightest despite talking directly to him, "Lay off!"

Reiner immediately jumped in between them, holding them both back with his bulk, "Come on guys, it's our day off. We got beer. Let's just relax for the day and have some fun,"

"Aw, you're right, Reiner," Jean replied, leaning against the wall lazily, "Sorry Eren, I love you man," He lightly slapped away Reiner's arm as the crowd of boys all laughed away for no particular reason, "Say, Reiner, who do you like?"

Reiner laughed back, putting his hands on his hips and pushing out his chest, "Isn't it obvious?" Bertholdt's face lit up bright red instantaneously. Reiner knew how Bertholdt felt about other people and always showed restraint when they were curious about their relationship. Drunk Reiner however... "Krista of course!"

The crowd roared with laughter again, telling him that he stands no chance at all with Ymir by her side. Was Reiner making it up to divert their attention from Bertholdt? If he was, why did Bertholdt feel like he'd been stabbed in the gut? The redness of his face was largely ignored but Armin, kind and observant as he was, quickly noticed a bit of sadness in his eyes.

"Bertholdt? Is something wrong?"

Bertholdt jumped when he noticed everyone's attention on him. He smiled quickly, waving his hands in front of him defensively, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just kind of tired. And I think I'll go to bed right now," He said a bit too quickly as he moved to slide off the top bunk.

"Hey, you like Annie right?"

Bertholdt turned from where he sat, absolutely mortified but hiding it well under a smiling mask, "What makes you say that, Reiner?"

Reiner laughed. They all laughed. It was nothing but harmless fun. At first, Bertholdt thought he could have been joking. He did talk about Annie a lot and he'd be lying if he said that he didn't like her just a bit. But Reiner of all people would know the truth, the person he's loved since he was a child. The honesty in Reiner's comments about Krista and Annie was too confusing. He left shortly after, sneaking away while everyone was partying too hard to notice.

From then on, he stuck to Reiner like a shadow observing him. On the outside, Reiner acted no different than he usually did. He was always rallying the recruits, inspiring them to keep going, a true father to his people. It was only the inside that was different.

Long ago, all three of them had formulated a plan. At the moment of their graduation, when they were no longer monitored 24/7, they were to carry out their mission and infiltrate Wall Rose. Annie was tasked with luring in titans so that the moment the wall was busted, they'd flood in and consume everyone. The first time they attacked, Bertholdt was the one who broke the first gate and that had sent him in a mental spiral that only Reiner could cure him from. This time, Reiner promised that he'd break both gates on his own. _I will protect you_ , the words he whispered to Bertholdt which melted away his fear.

As their graduation date approached, even though Bertholdt wasn't going to be active in the invasion, guilt and fear still overwhelmed him. The nightmares returned but this time without form or shape. He saw faces, horror, blades, teeth, heard the terrifying sound of flesh and bone being ground and crushed, smelled rotting flesh and cannon smoke, and worst of all, he could taste salty tears and human flesh. The taste was so pungent that he began to choke. Then he fell, and fell, and fell.

"Alright! Looks like it's sunny this morning!" Jean exclaimed over Bertholdt's body which was laid flat on the bed facedown with his arms and legs sprawled all over.

Marco laughed beside him, "His feet are both pointing to the left which means it's going to be clear all day,"

"Huh? When did Marco join in on fortune telling?" Connie asked, stepping out of the shower room in a new uniform.

"It just looked like so much fun," Marco replied with a bright smile. All three men lifted their heads at the sound of a gruff voice and heavy boots outside, "Oh, looks like Instructor Shadis is starting roll call,"

Jean sighed, scratching the back of his head as he dashed out, "Man I hate that guy,"

"Wait! Shouldn't we wake up Bertholdt?" Marco called out.

"Nah, Reiner usually does that," Connie replied before leaving the dorm with Marco following after.

Bertholdt was left alone, trapped in a horrific nightmare. The longer he slept, the worst it got to the point where Bertholdt was soaked in cold sweat and his face was contorting and twitching in horror, "Someone, anyone," Bertholdt cried out loud, "Reiner, Reiner, Reiner,"

"HOOVER!"

The booming voice that nearly shattered his ear drums awoke him and nearly made his heart leap out through his throat. He sat up quickly, searching the world around him, searching for Reiner, "Reiner?" He murmured, before locking eyes with Instructor Shadis. He froze up, lips tight and eyes wide.

Jean looked in through the window with Marco and Connie. He shook his head, sighing heavily, "He's done for,"

This wouldn't be the first time Bertholdt was punished. Every time he was caught playing hooky with Reiner, the two would be tasked with washing the laundry of every single recruit. Despite the grueling, and occasionally disgusting, task, it was never really that bad as long as Reiner was there with him.

Sleeping in was a considerably softer offense but coupled with his reputation, Shadis gave him a harsher punishment. For the entire day, he was not to be given any food and was not allowed to stop running laps until night had fallen. He maintained a brisk pace as he circled the entire training grounds, his exhaustion only barely peeking through despite running for hours.

"Wow, he's doing a lot better than I did," Sasha commented while munching away at her lunch.

"Of course he is. Look how long his legs are," Mina replied, giggling just a bit.

"Where's Reiner?" Annie asked, tracking Bertholdt as he ran past her.

Bertholdt had run the perimeter of the training grounds twice and lunch had only just ended. Behind the administration buildings where he knew no one would be, he took a short break against a tree. He nearly fell against it, heaving hard and wiping away the sweat building up on his forehead. He got up as soon as he caught his breath. There was no way he was going to be caught by Shadis. He'd probably make him run right through-

"Hey," Annie said, running up behind him.

Bertholdt screamed. Flat out screamed and stumbled, "Annie!" He cried out, quickly catching his steps and evening out his pace again, "What are you doing? You'll get in trouble if you follow me."

"Reiner is slipping,"

Bertholdt didn't know what to say. He wanted to deny it. Reiner was still on their side, still loved him but there was nothing to hide from Annie who always knew the truth, "What makes you say that?" He replied dumbly in a quiet voice.

She looked at him, cold and calculating as usual but with a slightest hint of concern, "You had a nightmare again, didn't you? That's why you slept in," Reiner had told her about them the last time it happened when she was wondering why they had skipped training again. She feared both of them were abandoning the mission but quickly understood that this was how Reiner helped Bertholdt through his nightmares, "Reiner wasn't there to wake you up because he went to breakfast with Krista."

Bertholdt was frozen. Annie accidentally overtook him when he stopped right where he was. She quickly turned around, standing in front of him while he looked absolutely dead to the world, "Bertholdt," She said softly, "The mission..."

"Where is he now?" Bertholdt asked quickly, "Is she still with her?"

"Bertholdt,"

"He said he loved me."

Annie slapped him, not hard, but just enough to shake him out of it.

"...Sorry," He replied, hanging his head in defeat.

"However you feel about Reiner, don't forget about our mission," Annie said in her trademark disconnected voice, "Don't forget we need him to break through the walls. And if he can't do it," She didn't have to finish. They both knew what this meant.

Bertholdt nodded weakly, "I'll talk some sense into him,"

Bertholdt wasn't sure why Annie nodded along and ran off in the opposite direction. She had always been frigidly honest with her opinion. Perhaps she knew how fragile Bertholdt was and knew that if she voiced the truth, it might completely shatter him.

" _Reiner is gone,"_

_"You need to break the gate."_

_"You are alone,"_

He had to wake Reiner up. Bertholdt justified with himself that this was for Annie's sake, for the sake of the mission. It was a lie. He couldn't lie to himself and he couldn't lie to Annie. This was for himself. He wanted _his_ Reiner back.

Reiner had returned later that day with a twisted ankle. They quickly rushed him to the emergency room and treated. He decided to rest the entire night there which ended up creating the perfect situation for Bertholdt. As soon as the nurse left for the night, Bertholdt entered the sick bay and sat by his side, "Do you remember what happened the day Berik died?"

Reiner let out a bittersweet chortle, "Bertl, what are you talking about? I haven't seen you the whole day and this is what you bring up?"

"It's important," Berthold replied sternly. This was also the only time he could say it. Every other time, he'd be surrounded by people.

Reiner looked away at first, staring out the window to try and recollect his thoughts. For a small moment, Bertholdt thought he had saw the original Reiner, the true Reiner from so long ago standing by the spring, "I remember being chased by titans. Then we fell into a ditch and that saved us,"

"You pushed us both in, remember?"

Reiner nodded, "I just wanted to push you out of the way. I had no idea there was even a hole there,"

Bertholdt paused, watching Reiner intently, "And?" He finally said.

"We just waited there for a while. The titans couldn't reach us because the hole was too deep," Reiner replied with a shrug, "Then Annie dug us out after the titans left. What do you want me to say?"

Reiner wasn't wrong. That was exactly what happened but clearly, he was missing some crucial details, "And?" Bertholdt said again, watching Reiner in desperation.

"Bertholdt," Hearing his full name on Reiner's tongue felt bitter, "What are you getting at?"

"You don't remember," He said again, almost hissing. He tore away, staring at the ground.

"What's wrong? Tell me," Reiner reached out. Bertholdt waited for the feeling of his hand brushing his cheek, pulling him close, sealing their lips with a kiss to reassure him that he was fine, that he'd never forgotten.

When that hand came upon his shoulder, clasping onto it firmly, Bertholdt lost it, "Think!" He barked. Despite the rage in his tone, his face was contorted in defeat and sadness, "Since when do titans just 'leave'? Especially when humans are right there. And how could a tiny girl like Annie possibly dig us out of a hole so deep that not even a titan could reach into?" _Because she wasn't "tiny" when she dug us out._

The near-realization in Reiner's eyes was driving him mad. All along, Bertholdt never knew that the guilt and fear was gnawing away at Reiner. This whole time, he had depended on him, idolized him, loved him like he was the only person worthy of this world. All along, he was just as scared as he was and instead of facing it head on, he buried all of it. Bertholdt told himself he should've known better than to lean on someone who fared no better than he did. His illusion of his shining hero was slowly crumbling away.

In the end, Reiner shook it off. He looked back at Bertholdt with the same utter confusion. A sudden flash of energy appeared in his eyes, alerting Bertholdt immediately. He watched that glow return, the same glow that appeared that day in the spring when Reiner scooped him up in his arms and zipped away with him. Warmth bloomed inside of Bertholdt as a small smile crept on his face, "Reiner..."

"Krista!" Reiner cried out, looking over Bertholdt's shoulder.

Krista entered the sick bay, a plethora of food in hand with Ymir following close.

"Look who's here," Ymir said as she nodded to Bertholdt, "Come to visit your boyfriend?" Bertholdt didn't respond, "Hey man, you there?" When she stepped in front of him and look at his face, she was almost startled by the absolute blankness in his features, "Uh,"

"Don't mind him, he's not feeling so well," Reiner said quickly before turning back to Krista with a goofy look on his face, "So, Krista, I accidentally sprained my arms on my way in, you mind feeding me?"

Ymir whipped the spoon away from Krista's grasp, looking down at Reiner with absolute contempt, "Hell no. I'll feed you,"

While Reiner and Ymir bickered and Krista stood on the sidelines, Bertholdt took this time to slip away quietly. He had almost made it to the door before a tiny hand gripped his arm gently. He turned back to see Krista holding onto him with a small smile, "I heard you missed lunch and dinner today," She held up a dinner roll with a piece of dried meat stuffed in-between, "Here,"

He took it from her hands. Despite missing every meal today, Bertholdt had no appetite whatsoever. As soon as she returned to Ymir's side, Bertholdt tossed the bread away and walked away. He didn't want to go back to the dorms. Everyone would be swarming him, asking him about why he slept in, what was getting punished by Shadis like. He didn't want to stay here where Krista or Ymir could find him. There was only one place he wanted to be right now and even then, he had his doubts.

Punishment be damned, Bertholdt stole a set of 3DM gear and fled the training grounds. With his advanced skill, he used the gear in town, cutting across rooftops with so much skill and grace that not a single person noticed him up there. A rumble in the sky startled him. He raised his hand, feeling droplets of rain starting to fall. It reminded him of the water failure his gear had experienced when he had rolled into the spring. Hopefully, the forest would have more cover him.

By the time he was in the forest, the rain was pouring down hard. Luckily, the trees had just enough cover to protect him and his gear. He landed by the trees near the spring, dropping off his gear under cover before stepping into the beating rain and over to the edge of the water. The spring looked like a chaotic mess as the droplets of water beat down upon it without mercy.

 He knew he should have turned back even before he was soaked right down to the bone. What was he expecting, really? Even if Reiner hadn't come here with Krista, even if they hadn't left behind remnants of breakfast and a picnic blanket, this place meant nothing to him without Reiner. Just like that, all of his resolve built around a false hero came crumbling down. Berik was right and he always would be. He's just a crybaby. All the frustration that built up for so many years that Reiner had once protected Bertholdt from came pouring out. He cried, almost screamed but no one could hear him over the raging storm.

With his face an absolute mess of tears and rain, he could only barely catch the sound of footsteps behind him. He didn't let himself hope. Reiner wasn't behind him and he never would be, "Annie?" He murmured, wiping away his tears.

"How'd you know?" She replied. Her gear was also dropped off in the cover of the trees. Unlike him however, she had brought a raincoat along to shield herself.

As soon as Bertholdt cleared away the tears, he turned to Annie with the most strained neutral expression he could make, "It had to be," He looked back at the raging spring. He could barely recognize it, "Reiner's lost it. He doesn't even remember that we are titans. He was so much happier with his false life that he threw away his entire past." And what hurt that most was that Reiner deemed Bertholdt's love _inferior_ and chose to throw it away for a better life.

"I see," Annie said, standing beside him to stare out at the waters, "What will you do now?"

"I don't know. Reiner always told me what to do," He said in a sad tone, "I just want Reiner to be happy even if its without me." He wondered if Annie could see his tears or if she'd just think it was rain dripping over his face, "I can't blame him for choosing the mask over us and if anyone deserves happiness, it's him,"

"So, will you abandon me as well?" Annie asked in a harsh voice, turning to Bertholdt. He met her intense glare, angry yet with a softness to it that he couldn't quite understand, "Will you let our people down then? For the sake of Reiner's happiness, would you let everything we fought for be for nothing?"

Muffling the sounds of the raging waters and the thunderclap overhead, blocking out the sight of the tangled, soaked blanket at his feet and a rusted, nature worn 3DM gear hidden far past Annie, Bertholdt had to make a decision without a single distraction. _Without Reiner_. He had spent too long chasing after a hero that never was. His kindness, confidence, conviction, he needed it for himself now.

"I won't leave you," He replied, his voice confident and almost unrecognizable, "I'll break down the wall. I'll endure the nightmares, so Reiner... Reiner can keep his humanity,"

His answer washed over Annie with peace. Bertholdt only now realized the sadness she had confronted him with. She was scared that they'd betray her. She came here fully believing that Bertholdt would choose Reiner over the mission and it _hurt her_. Bertholdt found himself covering his face again, unable to stop his desire to bawl his eyes out.

"Bertholdt?" Annie said, watching him desperately try not to break down.

"Here am I, crying out my eyes because I just want Reiner all to myself and here you are, holding everything inside. Upset not because of a selfish reason but because our mission is being endangered. You're so noble. It's amazing,"

Annie looked away for just a moment. In Bertholdt's opinion, she almost looked pleased by the compliment, "It's my duty as a warrior, after all,"

"A warrior," Bertholdt laughed pitifully at himself, "It's always been Reiner who's the strong one. He was the hero. He was the warrior. I've always been weak. Even when we were kids, Reiner was my strength,"

"People grow up. People change."

"I haven't. I still have nightmares about that day at Wall Maria. It's five years and I'm still afraid,"

A thunderclap rung through the air at the moment; the sky illuminated a stunning white by a stray bolt, "You think the nightmares make you weak?" She asked, "You know what you need to do and it terrorizes you yet you still carry on with it because it's something only you can do. You've always been stronger, Bertholdt,"

Bertholdt was cut off suddenly as Annie gripped the front of his jacket and pulled him down hard, causing him to fall to his knees and splatter dirt all over them. He found himself at eye level with Annie, her hand still twisted in the fabric of his collar. At this distance, Bertholdt couldn't hide his tears in the rain anymore. He almost missed it, the feeling of a warm kiss pressed against his rain-chilled cheek. When Annie released him, Bertholdt instinctively reached for his cheek, touching that warm spot carefully as Annie looked on with the same disinterest she had for everything. She took his other hand and placed a ring on his palm before closing up his fingers, "Is everything better now?"

 

 Bertholdt wasn't sure how he got through the nightmares without Reiner. Even though he lay beside him in the bunk beds, he knew Reiner couldn't possibly be farther away. He didn't speak to Annie again since that day. If he was caught, they didn't want to risk linking him to Annie and jeopardizing everything. This left him all alone to battle his demons while maintaining a happy facade for Reiner's sake.

He'd been enduring his nightmares every night till the day before graduation, the day before Wall Rose falls. He was too anxious to sleep. The nightmares wouldn't come, not tonight. He didn't move from the bed, staring straight up at the ceiling while pretending to sleep when he heard another anxious student stir. Curiously, he turned to look at Reiner. He was so peacefully oblivious; Bertholdt was almost jealous.

_"Is everything better now?"_

Annie knew their charm or maybe it was her charm all along. Out of sheer curiosity, Bertholdt leaned over in his bed and pressed a kiss softly against Reiner's lips. He didn't know if this was a charm to reawaken his memories or a goodbye kiss. All he knew was that he hadn't awakened and on Reiner's lips was a name that wasn't his own.

A memory of a peaceful day in front of a glittering spring with his clothes drying on the rocks came back to him. That day, when he knew for sure that he loved Reiner, also contained a moment he would always regret, "I love you too," Bertholdt finally responded.

 

 _You've always protected me. You were my hero. As happy as you made me when I was the only one in your eyes, the only thing I want is your happiness with or without me. That's why I'll stain my hands with blood._ He placed the ring on his finger, flipping out the hidden blade with his thumb, "Leave it to me. I'll protect you,"

 

 


End file.
